I unleashed my inner monster for a week and now I'm more confident than ever

Turns out Gaga was onto something.

By Millicent Machell

When I was nine years old, I won my school talent show.

Looking back I do wonder whether the votes I got were from a place of second-hand embarrassment, but at the time I had no such doubt.

I strutted my way through a self-choreographed routine to my favourite song at the time: Lady Gaga’s ‘Just Dance’. My mum and I had spent an entire afternoon hemming my costume – a sequined adult’s dress from the local charity shop – and as I galloped around the stage there was only one thought going through my head: “I am the coolest girl alive right now.”

Unfortunately, my classmates did not seem to agree.

The teasing I got after my victory wasn’t particularly brutal, nor was it the root of all my current issues with social anxiety. In fact, I’d probably call it warranted.

But still, it’s surprising what sticks with you at that age. My classmates’ sarcastic questions (‘Do you think you’re going to be a dancer when you grow up?’) are my first real memory of being embarrassed.

And that’s what social anxiety is - a feeling of crippling and unwarranted embarrassment.

12 years later, my music taste has moved on a little bit, as have my career ambitions. But Lady Gaga still holds a special little place in my heart.

As we reach her 36^th Birthday, many things remain mysterious about her.

There’s the old rumour that she has a penis (“Maybe I do. Would that be so terrible?”), the time she tweeted the lowercase letter ‘f’ and sent her fans into a clue-finding frenzy, and her recent claim that Patrizia Reggiani sent a cursed swarm of flies to follow her in revenge for her ‘House of Gucci’ portrayal.

But there is one feature about her that is undeniable: her confidence.

It’s something I’ve always admired. I have been known to take hours going back and forth about whether my outfit is acceptable to leave the house in. In recent history I called a friend halfway through the day, verging on a panic attack because my trousers were such a weird length and I just couldn’t the take humiliation anymore.

(Don’t worry, the comedy is not lost on me.)

Meanwhile, Gaga can wear a dress made of raw meat and manage to walk the red carpet, head held high. In fact, it has always seemed that her outrageous looks boost her swagger. From the terrifying fake teeth she wore to the 2013 YouTube Music Awards, to the time she arrived to the Grammy’s in a giant egg, Gaga has always treated her outfits like performance art.

Maybe getting into character like that is what gives her such unshakeable self-assurance. Or maybe it’s just being one of the most famous people on the planet.

Regardless, I wanted to get my hands on a scrap of that confidence and there was only one way I could think of doing it.

I decided to become Lady Gaga for a week.

A fan's tattoo. Photo: Kayla Nicole Thor

Photo: Donna Marie

Going Gaga

When I call myself a Lady Gaga fan, I’m not sure I’m quite doing her real fans justice.

The “little monsters” are a truly dedicated fanbase, and that’s no accident. Gaga is a pioneer in fan culture – legend has it that she’s the first person to have named her fans, and her vocal inclusivity across sexuality, gender and race has reinforced their group identity.

“We are the weirdos,” one fan told me, “It doesn’t matter if you’re straight, gay, or bi. Just like Mother Monster said.”

I experienced the zealousness of the little monsters first hand. My Facebook account is still receiving endless messages after I put out a request for an interview with a superfan. I can’t help but feel all the attention got me into character.

There was a common theme through all of the messages: Lady Gaga saved me, she was the first person to make me feel good about being different.

When I speak to award-winning Lady Gaga impersonator, Donna Marie, she says the same thing about the singer’s appeal.

“She's an icon for people that other artists don’t quite reach. She makes people believe in themselves, I suppose she just believes that they're worthy.”

Donna has made a living out of becoming Gaga. Her eerie look-alike and sound-alike abilities have allowed her to tour her show all over the world, even meeting the icon herself. Who better to mentor me on my transformation?

Under Donna’s guidance, I picked five makeup looks from the Lady Gaga “eras” and set myself a challenge for each day of the week of what I had to do whilst dressed up.

Then, ignoring the resounding ‘Why do I do these things?’ in my head, I headed out for supplies.

Day 1: The Fame

"What are you meant to be? David Bowie?"

Anxiety level: 3/5

For my first challenge I went to a friend’s comedy night. This had the advantage that I would be emerging under the cover of darkness, but the rather unforeseen disadvantage that I would have the entire day beforehand to overthink and mentally draft emails to my editor (“Hi, you know that article I have to dress up and mortally embarrass myself for? I’m going to change it to literally anything else…”).

For the makeup look, I was channelling Gaga’s first album, ‘The Fame’. It was an era defined by ‘shock factor’ according to Donna – lots of graphic eyeliner and dark glitter. I chose a look she wore several times including in the beloved 'Just Dance' music video, drawing a Bowie-esque lightning bolt over my eye and adding pink lipstick and eyeshadow.

After a couple of pre-drinks with a friend to calm my nerves, I was on my way.

After the first double-take in the street, things actually easier. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was my internal chant (“I’m not really here. I’m a journalist. I’m Louis Theroux.”).

The next challenge was walking into a brightly lit pub full of people.

Now the thing about student comedy nights, is that they tend to attract a colourful array of characters. I was definitely the oddest looking in the room, but there was a comedian wearing a rainbow-coloured poncho that came in a close second. I have to admit that my heart was racing a little as I got myself a drink at the bar but for the most part I was able to relax. That was, until my friend got up on stage for her set.

I saw a gleam in her eye and knew exactly what was she was thinking. To be fair I should have expected it; I had turned up to her set looking like I’d been drawn on with Sharpie in my sleep. I was practically offering her an opening joke on a platter.

I took a deep breath and gave her my most pleading look. Luckily, she took the hint and left me be.

Practicing being a diva in front of the camera

Day 2: 'Born This Way'

"Are you sure this is your ID?"

Anxiety level: 5/5

‘Born This Way’ is about loving yourself and holding your head up high no matter what. Ordinarily, it’s all a touch too earnest for me. But as I prepared to leave the house, it felt like Gaga’s “don’t be a drag, just be a queen” was a little too aimed. Maybe that’s what pushed me to get out of the house.

The challenge of the day was to go to the supermarket wearing what has to be one of the most outlandish looks of my challenge. I attempted to recreate Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’ album cover (as professionally demonstrated by Donna Marie, above), but it did prove a little difficult.

For a start, as I am not a makeup artist. Therefore, I decided not to dabble in prosthetics and had to make do with using eyeshadow to create impossibly angular cheekbones for the look. I was also not willing to shave my eyebrows off (I’m sorry, I did consider it) so I had to try and make them disappear with the help of white concealer and powder.

I decided to head to the supermarket at around 5pm (aka when all the students get hungry for dinner) and regretted it almost immediately.

If I was worried about double-takes the night before, this was a whole new level. A group of teenage boys the size of a football team nearly broke their necks staring, and I got a unique series of expletives as a catcall on my way home.

The funniest moment though, was my fumbled interaction with a cashier whilst paying for a pack of cigarettes at the local corner store.

“Is that, uh, definitely your ID?”

By the time I got home I was just about running back to safety and seclusion.

Day 3: Art Pop

"Mum! What's wrong with that lady?"

Anxiety level: 2/5

After the shambles of my supermarket trip, I decided I needed to reassess.

When I came up with this challenge it wasn’t as arbitrary as it had begun to seem. My original goal was to challenge my social anxiety. And to do that, I was pretending to be a character. Maybe, if I tried to use the makeup as a disguise – rather than be embarrassed by it – I’d be able to do that without hyperventilating.

Since my third look was from ‘Art Pop’, arguably Gaga’s most conceptual and abstract album, I was practically unrecognisable. This was perfect for my purposes.

The makeup looks from ‘Art Pop’ have an emphasis on using the face as a canvas. During that time Gaga pulled off a variety of weird and wonderful ideas, including a face drawn onto her own face and splattering her white-painted face with vibrant colours.

I drew on the latter idea for my challenge, which was to go on a morning walk about town.

Sauntering down the streets of Cardiff looking like a clown/art student in dire straits was an experience to say the least. I got heckled by a child, and two grown men completely paused their conversation to watch me go by.

But it all started to feel strangely liberating. I don’t know if I had simply run out of energy to be ashamed of my antics, but I almost felt excited to show the makeup off. My only minor blip came when I was taking photos and a couple giggled as they walked past.

Being laughed at for my appearance is usually my worst nightmare. But strangely, after a moment I found that I could laugh with them.

Day 4: Chromatica

"Wow, that's a...strong look?"

Anxiety level 2/5

My 'Chromatica' look has to be my favourite, purely because I had pink eyebrows (who would have thought!).

As Donna told me, the album’s looks were futuristic and mechanically inspired.

In my reference image for the look, Gaga had a lot of pink metal stuck to her face. I responded to this, of course, my buying some heart shaped stickers and scattering them in roughly the same formation.

Still, I think you can barely tell us apart.

Who wore it better?

Who wore it better?

My challenge for the day was to go to work in the look. I had class online, which certainly made it less daunting. That didn’t stop my anxiety mounting, though, as I watched my Zoom call load and my classmates began to notice my appearance.

“Oh wow!” My lecturer burst out as my image loaded into the call. “That’s a…” she faltered, “Strong look?”

I spent the rest of the class admiring myself in the front camera without an ounce of shame.

Day 5: House of Gucci

"Do you ever stop taking photos of yourself?"

Anxiety level: 1/5

For the last day of my challenge, I was inspired by Gaga’s recent press tour for ‘House of Gucci’. The tour saw her become the subject of several viral TikTok sounds (“I don’t consider myself to be a very ethical person... but I am fair.”) and make a number of questionable statements about her role as Patrizia Reggiani, including the implication that there was a lesbian side story with Salma Hayek’s character. But besides all that, her red-carpet makeup was beautiful – glowy skin, dark eyes and glossy lips.

In other words, it was fairly conventional, which is probably the most ground-breaking decision Lady Gaga could have made.

By this stage, my skin was breaking out and I had tripped over my ring light at least twice, but I was eager to create a look that I was more comfortable in. I decided that even though the makeup was far less outlandish, I would try to hold on to the shameless persona that I had used to get me through the other looks.

I headed out for the night and asked my friends to take my picture in the street without much thinking about it. It was only as I sat down in the taxi on the way home that I realised I hadn’t felt self-conscious about my outfit once.

Shamelessly posing on day 5

'...I was born this way!'

They can't scare me if I scare them first
Lady Gaga

One month later.

For me, confidence is a skill.

It would be unrealistic for a week of dressing up to totally cure my social anxiety, but I was pleasantly surprised at just how much easier it got to leave my comfort zone after the first couple of tries.

Now that the challenge is finished, I try to push myself a little bit more and not to second-guess what people will think of me. Chances are that my outfit is not a memorable feature of someone else’s day, and that when I say something slightly awkward in conversation, I’m the only one who is still thinking about it. Now, if I’m ever feeling embarrassed, I just remember going to the supermarket looking like a botched Julia Fox and I am blessed with some perspective on the situation.

So, whilst I might not be back to that unashamed little girl who won the talent show, I’m certainly on my way. As Lady Gaga famously sang, ‘I’m on the right track, baby…’